why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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