If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
