i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This is my gift to your gina
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
