She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
