she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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