I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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