I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
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she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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