Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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