he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
