so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
