marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
