someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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