please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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