god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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