i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
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We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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