Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
