hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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