mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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