i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Who did Billy Mays play for?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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