Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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