You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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