you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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