i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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