Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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