Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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