He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
