Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
