Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
