so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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