it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
