Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
