Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
