I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
