Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
