Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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