not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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