Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
