I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
