and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
