you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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