Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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