i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
