I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
