I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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