I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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