I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
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Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
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The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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