Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
