im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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