GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
