Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
