I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
