This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
