I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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