I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
