I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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