Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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