I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
