Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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