I want to walk on stilts...naked
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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