Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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