He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
