I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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