i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
