U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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